I have a drinking problem, but it’s ok now since I became catholic. Catholics don’t need to go to AA.
One Gulp… – The moment that you think about the fact that Tim Connolly is getting paid $4.75million to play here. – Anytime Dion Phaneuf misses the net with a shot. – Whenever Kessel tries to toe-drag a defenseman. – When Clarke MacArthur does a drop pass, to the other team. – When Kessel sets up Bozak for a scoring chance and he misses the the puck/net/doesn’t even know the puck’s coming altogether. – Whenever a Leaf player throws a hit (trick drink! Nobody hits on this team). – Whenever Dave Steckel loses a foot race.
Two Gulps… – The moment that you think about the fact that Tim Connolly is getting paid $4.75million to play here next year as well. – When Nikolai Kulemin passes up a shot in the slot so he can pass it to nobody. – Whenever Randy Carlyle is shown yelling and/or angry. (It’s not his fault this season has gone down the drain. So take one gulp for yourself, and another for him). – When Matt Lombardi is flying down the ice, skating as fast as he can, and does absolutely nothing with it. (Including but not limited to, not taking the puck hard to the net even though he’s already beat the defenseman, and shooting from the boards with Jason Blake-like precision). – If you ever actually notice Joey Crabb out there. – Anytime the commentators talk about how Carlyle’s going to put “defensive structure” into their game.
Three Gulps… – Anytime Jay Rosehill has a shift (Trick drink! He doesn’t get shifts). – When either Reimer or Gustavsson try to play the puck. – Whenever the “Leafs” and “Playoffs” are said in the same sentence. – Whenever Luke Schenn impersonates a pylon out there. – Whenever Grabovski gets drilled. – The next time Colby Armstrong gets hurt.
Chug half a beer… – Whenever Mike Komisarek dresses. – Whenever Cody Franson is a healthy scratch. – When Ron Wilson’s name is mentioned or his face is shown during a broadcast. – If Don Cherry talks about Mike Zigomanis ever again. – If Don Cherry talks about Ontario boys on the Leafs ever again.
Chug a full beer… – As soon as you find out Glen Healey, Jim Hughson and Craig Simpson are commentating the Leafs game on Saturday night (make sure you check, if it’s Bob Cole you should still probably chug a beer, but at least this way it’s in celebratory fashion). – Anytime Doug MacLean starts talking about trading Phil Kessel for Rick Nash again. – Whenever the Leafs give up a lead – Eventually someone on this team will score on their own net. You now know what to do. – The next Brian Burke excuse.
****Bonus drink: Drink however many beers you have left, as fast as you can, whenever either of the Leafs’ goalies let in a shot in overtime that would have otherwise missed the net completely.